In a Perfect World

In a perfect world
The child she bore in her womb
Would see life
And she wouldn’t have to make the decision
Of which is worth more
The child?
Or her life?
Struggling
Wondering,
If this is right
Trapped inside darkness
Longing for light.
He said he’d support her
Allow her to choose
But marry or commit to her
He just couldn’t do
So she lay on the table
Lost and confused
Totally aware
But somehow aloof
She said goodbye to her child
Her soul is empty now
Her spirit is crushed
And she can’t even figure out how
She never even laid eyes on the child
But she loved it so much
Prayed for forgiveness
Cried out in shame
And swore to herself this would NEVER happen again
Totally disappointed
Never the same
Emotionally dead
FOREVER changed
In a perfect world
the child she bore in her womb
Would see life
Then maybe she wouldn’t feel like two people died on the table that day!

The "new" Me

I've worn my hair natural practically my entire life.
Towards the end of college I decided to loc it, and after three years, I decided I needed a change. I recently combed out my locs. I wore it twisted for a few days, I rocked my fro for a few weeks (the reactions of people were HILARIOUS), then after being tired of the strange looks I decided to blow my hair straight. THAT got rave reviews!! Well, not wanting to kill my hair with heat, trying to keep it straight, I decided to get a weave (I mean, I don't care how hard people stared, I wasn't perming MY hair). People loved it! "Oh, you permed your hair, it looks so nice". I got so many compliments. People who would normally walk right pass me, would stop and speak, or nod with approval. All of a sudden I was "approachable". Funny, seeing as how my personality never changed through all of this. People would talk, and laugh, and joke with me. Maybe it's all in my mind. Maybe it's not. Either way, this piece was inspired by those people.

The "new" Me

Yes,
This
Is
The
"new" me....
Although the old me
still lies within me
And I'm truly
Just the same me
A new hairstyle doesn't change me
Just makes more people wanna claim me
And while this straight hair kinda shames me
My locs intimidated them
And while I was more comfortable in my skin
With the way I wore my hair then
I figured I'd give this a shot, kinda sad I let them win
Conformed to the standards of beauty
Set forth by magazines and tv
But I don't even want to be like them
I'm happy just to be me!
And I think it's kinda funny see
Cuz I was once invisible
And now, somehow, they see me.
I LAUGH at all the superficial, shallow ones who judge me
Who think this style is beautiful
but natural hair is ugly
I'm thankful for my family, and all the friends who love me
Regardless. If I rock my fro, or rock this "Dark n lovely"

GET OVER IT!
It's just HAIR, yall

Tell 'em why I'm mad!!!!

Pictures

I looked through our pictures today
It was all too bittersweet
That all we had is gone
and now we rarely speak
All the happy times we shared
are in the distant past
And now moments of silent tears
Replace the joyful laughs

I looked through our pictures today
Took time to reminisce
Of all the "firsts" we shared
First date, first dance, first kiss
And how I long to relive the moments
bring the smile back to my face
Not even sure where things went wrong
Or why we split in the first place

I looked through our pictures today
First time I didn't shed a tear
Took a long walk down memory lane
Wish I could have meet you there
I held your picture to my chest
So I could be close to you
Then placed the pictures back in the box
Cuz that's what Im supposed to do

I looked through our pictures today
The last look I'll ever take
I sat them in the pile of trash
And took it out for my sanitys sake
I started to look at our pictures today
But they were no longer there
I exhaled a heavy sigh of relief
And I didn't shed one tear!


©

Trust in You

All that I am I can attribute to you
Because you've always been there to pull me through
To help me do the things I thought I could not do
I know I'm a better person
when I'm trusting in you

When I listen to the words that you whisper in my ear
When I acknowledge the fact that you wipe away my tears
When I rest in your arms, you erase my fears
You've made me a better person over the years
Because I've trusted in you

I haven't always listened, I haven't been the best
But that has not made you love me any less
And with you by my side, I've passed 'most every test
And when the day comes that I take my final rest
I would have been a better person
Because I trusted in you


©

Less Than I Deserve

Why Should I continue to allow you to win?
When
Nine times out of ten we'll never be more than friends
And
I'll be forever confined to this box that you keep me in.

Stringing me along that's your way to control me.
Tellin' me lies to pacify and console me.
Same sad story and it's starting to get old.
See,
You tellin' me about all the women who've wronged you
And how you're so afraid that that's what I'm gonna do
Sounds full of it to me
And damn it, I'm too strong to
Settle for less than I deserve.

I constantly tried to cater to you
Whatever you needed, I was on call for you
But
I guess you needed more than what I could do
So
We began to drift apart and go our separate ways
And
I experienced so many sleepless nights and so many lonely days
That I had time to sit and analyze
all of the games that we played
And I came to the conclusion
That we were both just probably too damn afraid
To let go of our freedom

But
I guess the more time we spent apart
the lonelier WE became
Because we started to talk again
But all the problems still remained
So
I came to the conclusion that I was just too good for you
Gave all that I had, but it wasn't enough for you
Gave you ALL of me, but got only PARTS of you
Got so tired of trying that I said I was through.
Sure, at times I miss you
Want to hold you, want to kiss you
I want to take things back to before we parted.
Before trust died and the drama started
See, I know things most likely will never be the same, but
That doesn't stop the feelings and it doesn't ease the pain!
Though I know one man doesn't stop the show
Healing takes time and progression is slow
So I continue to move on and go for what I know.
Next time.......
Not settling for less than I deserve!!

©

Just Friends

Finite friendships that yield infinite possibilities
Being "friends with privileges" has surely made us enemies
And now,
Despite our pleasant memories
You and me,
We barely speak
Because not speaking makes it easier
AND
We're
Both playin' games with each other
Simply because we can
I mean,
What the hell is goin' on?

Don't call me singin' bullshit songs
Because those lyrics and those words
They don't right your wrongs
F*ck what Mariah says
I know where I belong..
And it's NOT with you!
You see,
It's taken me too damn long to get a clue
And although I see now what I need to do
I'd been
Soo wrapped up in my thoughts of you
That I could not let go

And its clear that my thoughts are contradictory
Because my Mouth says one thing,
But then my heart gets the best of me
Forcing me to live painfully
With the "What could have been" or would have been"
Had you and I been
Just Friends
And

I really can't complain
'Cuz some of my happiest moments
Were spent in your arms
And it's driving me insane
That when I see you
Qualms of homesickness overtake me
Sudden feelings of faintness that break me
Make me
Remember all over again
That we should have been Just Friends!

Then maybe it wouldn't have hurt so bad
When I saw you with her
I wouldn't have been so sad
So... MAD
So
Forced to reevaluate
What I THOUGHT we had
Because she
Took the place of me
And you and I fell apart almost instantaneously
And you say it's my fault
My jealousy
But how can you be sleepin' with HER
And then come home to me?!?

Some things just do not coincide
And to top that off
Brother you lied
About even seeing her
Comparin' me with her
You said you did not want to be with her
But...
Could not "get free from her"?!?
Man, WHATEVER

You see,
I wish I had never met you
I wish I could just
Wake up in the morning
And forget you
I wish I hadn't opened up my heart
And let you in
Or maybe,
Just maybe..
We should have been
JUST FRIENDS
And skipped the rest of that sh*t!

©

The beginning (of everything)

> The light to my dark
> Sweet words of my song
> The sunshine in my cloudy sky
> The right to my wrong
> The love of my life
> The King to my Queen
> The one God kept for me
> The beginning to my everything.
>
> From the tip of my head
> To the base of my sole
> From the surface of my body
> To the depth of my soul
> You are the harvest that I reap
> From the good things I've sown
> You are the fertilizer God sent me
> To help me to grow
>
> The knight in shining armour
> That came to sweep me away
> Ensuring that my today
> Would far exceed my yesterday
> The beat of my heart
> The joy to my pain
> Feelings of gratefulness
> That words can't explain
>
> Can't wait for tomorrow
> To see what life brings
> As this is surely the beginning....
> of our everything!

Little Girl Lost

My thoughts are catalysts for chaos

Quickly destroying me

I run in search of space to think,

To act, to do, to be!

Afraid of all the anger

That brews inside of me,

Of all the fears and silly qualms

That seem to burden me.



They say,

Under the umbrella of anger

is fear

so as I stand here

I ask myself

What am I afraid of?



My reply?



My insecurities span 25 years;

They were birthed the same night as I.

They were heightened the day my father left And strengthened during the years of his absence.

A little girl of unknown worth



Buried deep within my soul

A large empty space that I crawl into to hide.

Did daddy love me,

And if he did why did he leave?

In search of someone to take his place,

I seek but do not find.

Scarred by the emptiness he left behind,

A little girl left filled with hurt!



I yearn to relive my childhood,

To rewrite the script of my past.

Rethink some wrong decisions,

So my today wouldn't be so bad

BUT I CAN'T!



There's no reversing time.

So instead I plan a better future,

but that future is not mine.

A little girl left filled with doubt!



Looking for love in all the wrong places,

I run to the arms of a man.

And when that fails I tell myself,

"no one can love me like I can"!

So I take some time to find myself,

to know myself, to love myself and then..

I'm running right into the next mans arms, and the cycle starts again.

A confused little girl with no way out!



I wallow in present circumstance

as emptiness reveals

My broken heart unmended,

Unworthy to be healed.

Empty spirit

Lifeless body

Unworthy to be filled

Battle scars tell half my story

But can't SHOW the pain I FEEL!

A little girl cries endless tears!



So, now I build walls all around me

But I don't fear enemies

These walls I build are put in place

To protect my heart..

From ME!

And now I sit in this dark room and I cry shamefully

Wondering how it came to this

I'm asking God "why me?"



My insecurities span 25 years;

They were birthed the same night as I.

They were heightened the day my father left

And strengthened during the years of his absence!

(c) 2009

Some Kinda Way

I’m feeling some kinda way

And I want to feel no kinda way

I just want to walk away

While I still have my sanity.

Cuz I was once floating in Space

But now I’m weighed down by gravity.

Full of emotions that once elated me, but

Now sadden me.

This is MY reality!



Well, curiosity just killed the cat

And though satisfaction brought him back

I’m now sitting here wishing I’d never tried any of that…

Of THIS…

Our one night stand… that first “innocent” kiss

But then I stop and reminisce and

Oh, the pleasure… oh, the bliss

Remind me again how I got myself into this!



Self gratification. Selfish desire,

Turned you into a cheater and me into a liar.

Cuz you ARE engaged, but I was untrue.

Not only lied to myself, but lied to you too!

I can’t just “F*ck” and move on!

Acknowledge my feelings do exist,

And then pretend that they’re gone

I can’t pretend this is right,

When we both know it’s wrong

I drove two hours home playin’ these damn love songs!



As we slept the night away,

We didn’t think about the price we’d have to pay.

Or how we’d deal if our feelings got in the way

Or how to see clearly in a room full of haze

Blinded by lust, lost in a daze.

“How do I love you? Let me count the ways”?

(Background action - counting on fingers)

This is so unfair, but this is the choice that WE made!



So, now I’m left to reflect on how I spent my yesterday.

Try to erase the feelings that continue on today.

Not even give tomorrow, a chance to get in the way

And figure out how in the hell I can just walk away!



And you see, I’ve already established

That this is NOT a love thing

A go out, but a ring, and propose kinda thing.

This was a once in a lifetime, lost control kind of thing. This was just a FLING!



And on everything I know, I want the best for you.

So, go off and marry her, if that’s what you choose to do!

But we can’t have our cake and ice cream

AND eat them both too!



And I’m NOT asking you to choose

PLEASE DON’T MISUNDERSTAND

Cuz you are HER Fiancé

You were never even my man!

And I’m not trying to have you

That was never my plan

I just want us to put this behind us

And I hope that we can!

And if we can’t

I’m not quite sure what that means

‘Cuz Like I said before

It was supposed to be a FLING!



I’m feeling some kinda way

And I want to feel no kinda way

I just need to get away

I just want to walk away,

While I still have my sanity!



©
COJ

Pain

This was inspired by a conversation I had with an old friend of mine today. He’s been going through a lot lately and I feel terrible that I wasn’t there for him in his darkest hours.

I wrote this for you, and I’m glad that you called. I’m glad that when you reached out, you reached out for me, and I’m glad that I could be there for you when you needed me most!! One day at a time, love. One day at a time!

It is the color of water
Flowing through my veins
Constricting my vessels
And numbing my brain
Elevating my emotions
Suppressing my pain
Freeing my mind
I’m floating away
Forgetting my problems
The Hell that I face
Nothing else matters
When I’m in this place
I’m out of control
I’m floating in space
I’m trapped inside darkness
I long for escape
I struggle to breathe
With each breath that I take
No longer in ecstasy
There’s too much at stake
I’ve been risking it all
I’m falling from grace
I’m running my fastest
Yet I’m losing the race
I’m pleading for help
My pleas fall on deaf ears
I cry out for assistance
And still no one hears
I reach out my arms
I was too weak to speak
And no one reached back
My future seemed bleak
I can’t help who I’ve become
Society shaped me
My father was gone
So, alone my mom raised me
She tried but she couldn’t
Turn this boy into a man
She cried every night,
But it was out of her hands
My best friend was murdered
My grandmother died
And all this resentment
Just built up inside
I wanted revenge
Someone I could blame
Someone else to hurt
To share in my pain
My mother was heart-broken
She died the next day
And I pretty much lost it
I’d had all I could take
I searched for a victim
And ‘I’ was his name
I lay in my bed
And pumped poison in my veins
And as I stare at the ceiling
Drifting away
In the back of my mind
I could see my mom’s face
She whispered to me
“Son, please not this way”
And the only thing I know
Is that I stand here today
Because Divine intervention
Saved me that day
I awoke from my slumber
In a hospital bed
My body was aching
Eyes bloodshot red
I had been to the light
But I was not dead
God had mercy on me
He spared me instead
My outlook is different now
My life has been changed
And the lesson I learned
Is there’s an end to the rain.
If you JUST DON'T GIVE UP.
If you PRESS PAST THE PAIN!!