Your love reminds me of Spring in New York
One day it's hot,
One day lukewarm,
and then suddenly...
Ice cold
Your inconsistency I've come to expect
Learned to accept
Though I often regret
That I didn't prepare for it
That I knew it was coming around again
And still
I was there for it
Wanted to love you so bad
That I simply ignored it.
That I
Ignored me
Closed my eyes so that I couldn't see what i didn't want to see
Deaf ears because if I don't hear you walk away
Then I won't have to ask you to stay
I won't have to acknowledge
That
Your season in my life ended two Springs ago
And your April showers did not bring flowers in May
There's still nothing but clouds in my sky
Rain in the form of teardrops still fall from my eyes...
The bags beneath them carry the weight of the damage you've done
Of the pain that you leave behind
And I prayed to God asking for healing
But He told me healing only comes with time
So, for now
bags still weight heavy on my back
And my entire wardrobe
Is a mountain of black
Because I am mourning.
Mourning the me I used to be
Before your shortcomings
were blamed on me
Before your insecurities wore off on me
Before I fell in love with you
And somehow fell out of love with me.
How in the world did I get here?
Coming to California and losing myself
Was my greatest fear
And you told me
I had nothing to be afraid of.
No, there were no boogeyman under my bed...
The only monster was you.
And now,
The other monster is me!!
Because I won't let anyone get close to me
Close enough to hurt me
And it's killing me
Because I am so damn worthy
But so damn afraid
Your love reminds me of Spring in New York
Empty promises of warmth
And really,
I could liken your love to the coldest winter ever
Monday, May 29, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Winter
Autumn's been gone a while now.
Spring can't come too soon.
Summer is too far from reach now
So I'm left with Winters' blues.
It's so cold out here,
That light and love have frozen through.
It's so dark out here,
That I can barely see
you?
Do I know you?
Are you still like warm apple pie
Fresh out of the oven?
Sweet on my tongue
& soft on my lips?
Do I know you?
I'm piecing together fragmented memories
Just to salvage a glimpse.
A slight reminder of what was.
Re-memories.
Remember? me?
Smooth like honey
Hot like tea
Healing like great grandmother's remedies.
Winter, you have overstayed your welcome.
There is no room for you here.
Winter, Go on and get out now
Make room so Spring can draw near.
Because I'm tired of being cold.
Because it's a cold that warm sweaters
and peacoats can't warm!
A cold that fireplaces and brick ovens run from.
It's a cold that love fears, and pain hugs
That hugs pain... and fears love.
And cold medicine doesn't fix that!
It can only be cured by the warmth of the Son.
And it's been raining for what seems like weeks now.
And your clouds have been blocking the sun...
Autumn's been gone a while now.
Spring can't come too soon.
Summer's too far from reach now
I'm left with Winters' blues
Spring can't come too soon.
Summer is too far from reach now
So I'm left with Winters' blues.
It's so cold out here,
That light and love have frozen through.
It's so dark out here,
That I can barely see
you?
Do I know you?
Are you still like warm apple pie
Fresh out of the oven?
Sweet on my tongue
& soft on my lips?
Do I know you?
I'm piecing together fragmented memories
Just to salvage a glimpse.
A slight reminder of what was.
Re-memories.
Remember? me?
Smooth like honey
Hot like tea
Healing like great grandmother's remedies.
Winter, you have overstayed your welcome.
There is no room for you here.
Winter, Go on and get out now
Make room so Spring can draw near.
Because I'm tired of being cold.
Because it's a cold that warm sweaters
and peacoats can't warm!
A cold that fireplaces and brick ovens run from.
It's a cold that love fears, and pain hugs
That hugs pain... and fears love.
And cold medicine doesn't fix that!
It can only be cured by the warmth of the Son.
And it's been raining for what seems like weeks now.
And your clouds have been blocking the sun...
Autumn's been gone a while now.
Spring can't come too soon.
Summer's too far from reach now
I'm left with Winters' blues
Grandmother (Mayhall)
I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt,
I'm not sure which!
I begged God for forgiveness
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me.
I was 14.
We'd been living in New York for 7 years-
Maybe more-
Mom, Sister, and me
But I still couldn't call it home.
Because to me
Home was Lake Valley Road on weekends!
It was Sunday school
Followed by Sunday service,
and
Dairy Queen if were well behaved.
It was rice pudding-
A secret recipe that remains secret to this day.
Home was the smell of grandfather's chewing tobacco
Though he hadn't been alive to chew it in years.
It was Sunday dinners at Big Mama's
Meetings with papa &
Playing with cousins.
Home was FAMILY!
Home was Mayhall!
Her two long plaits
Her smooth brown skin
The way she hugged me, and held me,
And I felt safe.
Grandmother forgive me
For not coming to say goodbye.
Forgive me.
For not asking why separation of parents
Meant separation of children too.
From everything they once knew.
Forgive me for not asking
Why I could travel to Virginia for basketball tournaments
But never to Atlanta to visit home.
Or why concrete playgrounds became replacements for
Tree lined parks
Or
Even
Why my father couldn't see me anymore.
Forgive me for not being BOLDER.
Not even once I was older.
Old enough to know better,
To reach out.
To write letters,
Or pick up a phone and call.
Forgive me for trying to "stay in a child's place".
Forgive me for not trying at all.
I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt, I'm not sure which.
I begged God for forgiveness,
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me!
Whether from sadness or guilt,
I'm not sure which!
I begged God for forgiveness
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me.
I was 14.
We'd been living in New York for 7 years-
Maybe more-
Mom, Sister, and me
But I still couldn't call it home.
Because to me
Home was Lake Valley Road on weekends!
It was Sunday school
Followed by Sunday service,
and
Dairy Queen if were well behaved.
It was rice pudding-
A secret recipe that remains secret to this day.
Home was the smell of grandfather's chewing tobacco
Though he hadn't been alive to chew it in years.
It was Sunday dinners at Big Mama's
Meetings with papa &
Playing with cousins.
Home was FAMILY!
Home was Mayhall!
Her two long plaits
Her smooth brown skin
The way she hugged me, and held me,
And I felt safe.
Grandmother forgive me
For not coming to say goodbye.
Forgive me.
For not asking why separation of parents
Meant separation of children too.
From everything they once knew.
Forgive me for not asking
Why I could travel to Virginia for basketball tournaments
But never to Atlanta to visit home.
Or why concrete playgrounds became replacements for
Tree lined parks
Or
Even
Why my father couldn't see me anymore.
Forgive me for not being BOLDER.
Not even once I was older.
Old enough to know better,
To reach out.
To write letters,
Or pick up a phone and call.
Forgive me for trying to "stay in a child's place".
Forgive me for not trying at all.
I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt, I'm not sure which.
I begged God for forgiveness,
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me!
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Water
They say you never miss the water
til your well runs dry
And the tears you cry
Are not enough to end the drought.
The flood of forty nights of rain
Are not enough to ease the pain.
Scorched earth that lingers
Long after memories fade
If
They ever do
Water, where are you?
They say you never miss the water
Til your well runs dry.
And well,
Yours is parched.
Like cracked clay in the sierra desert.
Void of water that quenches.
Dehydrated Dirt,
The Earth,
And You.
You,
Counting molecules of hydrogen.
Two.
Oxygen.
One.
Searching for relief from the
Scorching of the sun!
Water, where are you?
They say you never miss the water
Until your well runs dry.
And you've been drawing back
Dry buckets for years.
Depleted for years
Defeated for years
But too prideful to
Admit what you fear...
If you don't find water
Extinction is near
Because no one can survive without water
til your well runs dry
And the tears you cry
Are not enough to end the drought.
The flood of forty nights of rain
Are not enough to ease the pain.
Scorched earth that lingers
Long after memories fade
If
They ever do
Water, where are you?
They say you never miss the water
Til your well runs dry.
And well,
Yours is parched.
Like cracked clay in the sierra desert.
Void of water that quenches.
Dehydrated Dirt,
The Earth,
And You.
You,
Counting molecules of hydrogen.
Two.
Oxygen.
One.
Searching for relief from the
Scorching of the sun!
Water, where are you?
They say you never miss the water
Until your well runs dry.
And you've been drawing back
Dry buckets for years.
Depleted for years
Defeated for years
But too prideful to
Admit what you fear...
If you don't find water
Extinction is near
Because no one can survive without water
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Love Is A Gamble
Every season #GreysAnatomy reminds me that love is a gamble. You can end up heart broken & alone, BUT ya know, it really is a risk worth taking!
I used to say I'd rather be alone than get involved & end up with a broken heart, BUT... I've learned more from a broken heart than being alone would've or ever could have shown me.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance. If it doesn't work out, collect yourself, & start again, but if it does work then, well.. It works!!
Love is a risk. Life- is a risk. Isolating urself doesn't protect your heart; it doesn't guarantee your safety. It only guarantees your loneliness!
To deprive yourself of human relationship out of fear is cowardly! Want to protect your heart? Well, just be careful who you trust it to. Be wise. Use discretion. Everyone who compliments you is not your soulmate. Everyone who smiles at you isn't declaring their love for you. Pray for a Spirit of discernment.. AND DISCERN!
Love is a gamble. But eventually, you hit the jackpot!
I used to say I'd rather be alone than get involved & end up with a broken heart, BUT... I've learned more from a broken heart than being alone would've or ever could have shown me.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance. If it doesn't work out, collect yourself, & start again, but if it does work then, well.. It works!!
Love is a risk. Life- is a risk. Isolating urself doesn't protect your heart; it doesn't guarantee your safety. It only guarantees your loneliness!
To deprive yourself of human relationship out of fear is cowardly! Want to protect your heart? Well, just be careful who you trust it to. Be wise. Use discretion. Everyone who compliments you is not your soulmate. Everyone who smiles at you isn't declaring their love for you. Pray for a Spirit of discernment.. AND DISCERN!
Love is a gamble. But eventually, you hit the jackpot!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
I Find It Hard To Say
3.26.13 2350 pst
"I find it hard to say
That everything will be alright.
Don't look at me that way
Like everything will be alright"
-Lauryn Hill
I used to be so sure. Sure of my passion. Sure of my purpose. Heck, if nothing else, I was certainly sure of ME. I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and even who I wanted- Or so I thought. The latter part of 2012 really rocked my boat, and left me wondering if I really know as much as I think I do!
It's funny because I used to be sooo broken. Like for years, I was an utter mess, then one day miraculously it was like someone (God) had picked up all the pieces of me and glued them back together. I was whole again. Complete. I was fixed, and life was good. I mean, it still is, but it was REALLY good. I had my family, my friends, a great career, my writing, and my love. One might say I had it all. The thing is, when you take something that was broken and glue it back together, no matter how much glue was used, if you put the right amount of pressure, at just the right point, the thing will fall apart under the pressure.
Late 2012 found that pressure point. And I find it hard to say... Anything at all these days! How do I feel? Broken! Confused! Angry! Deceived! I feel many ways... And no way at all! Tears flow freely at any given moment. I joke that I can cry on cue, but in actuality, these days I'm ALWAYS crying on the inside... So to let a few tears flow outwardly is easy! I'm angry! But more than anything else, I'm hurt! And person, after person, after person, keeps adding to the hurt!
"I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, don't look at me that way, like everything will be alright. Cuz my own eyes can see through all your false pretenses..."
While I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, I know it will be. Even when it seems I've lost everything else, AT LEAST MY FAITH REMAINS!
"I find it hard to say
That everything will be alright.
Don't look at me that way
Like everything will be alright"
-Lauryn Hill
I used to be so sure. Sure of my passion. Sure of my purpose. Heck, if nothing else, I was certainly sure of ME. I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and even who I wanted- Or so I thought. The latter part of 2012 really rocked my boat, and left me wondering if I really know as much as I think I do!
It's funny because I used to be sooo broken. Like for years, I was an utter mess, then one day miraculously it was like someone (God) had picked up all the pieces of me and glued them back together. I was whole again. Complete. I was fixed, and life was good. I mean, it still is, but it was REALLY good. I had my family, my friends, a great career, my writing, and my love. One might say I had it all. The thing is, when you take something that was broken and glue it back together, no matter how much glue was used, if you put the right amount of pressure, at just the right point, the thing will fall apart under the pressure.
Late 2012 found that pressure point. And I find it hard to say... Anything at all these days! How do I feel? Broken! Confused! Angry! Deceived! I feel many ways... And no way at all! Tears flow freely at any given moment. I joke that I can cry on cue, but in actuality, these days I'm ALWAYS crying on the inside... So to let a few tears flow outwardly is easy! I'm angry! But more than anything else, I'm hurt! And person, after person, after person, keeps adding to the hurt!
"I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, don't look at me that way, like everything will be alright. Cuz my own eyes can see through all your false pretenses..."
While I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, I know it will be. Even when it seems I've lost everything else, AT LEAST MY FAITH REMAINS!
We Never Stood A Chance
He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
Running in circles
Walking in circles
Tired of moving, but still
Talking in circles
He claims that they are over
Those days are done
Who really believes that?
He's the only one!
He speak her name whilst he sleeps
She is forever on his mind.
First word off his lips at sunrise
Is her name, not mine.
He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
Running in circles
Walking in circles
Tired of moving, but still
Talking in circles
He claims that they are over
Those days are done
Who really believes that?
He's the only one!
He speak her name whilst he sleeps
She is forever on his mind.
First word off his lips at sunrise
Is her name, not mine.
He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
What a girl wants..
"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." -Psalm 27:4
As a child, I had my life all planned out; it's funny how much those plans have changed over the years. I remember being a teenager and saying to myself "by the time im 25 I'm going to be married, own a home with a white picket fence (kidding, but not really), have a dog, and be working on baby #1".
It's laughable how, as children, we envision the life we want and it never crosses our minds that it won't turn out that way!! It has definitely not turned out that way, BUT it's okay, my desires have changed. What I wanted before (or what I THOUGHT I wanted) doesn't really appeal to me anymore. Whether my desires have changed because my life is so far from those desires, OR because I really want something else, I can't seem to figure out! I ask myself, "Do I want the husband, the kids, the family? Do I want the 9 to 5 career, or something more flexible? Do I want to stay close to home, or travel the world? I cant seem to figure it out.
My life is full of questions, but what I know for sure... Is what is found in Psalm 24:7- "One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple." These days, pleasing God and living my life so that I can spend my days dwelling in the beauty of The Lord is what I desire most! It's interesting how things have changed! Less me, more Him! I can live with that!
As a child, I had my life all planned out; it's funny how much those plans have changed over the years. I remember being a teenager and saying to myself "by the time im 25 I'm going to be married, own a home with a white picket fence (kidding, but not really), have a dog, and be working on baby #1".
It's laughable how, as children, we envision the life we want and it never crosses our minds that it won't turn out that way!! It has definitely not turned out that way, BUT it's okay, my desires have changed. What I wanted before (or what I THOUGHT I wanted) doesn't really appeal to me anymore. Whether my desires have changed because my life is so far from those desires, OR because I really want something else, I can't seem to figure out! I ask myself, "Do I want the husband, the kids, the family? Do I want the 9 to 5 career, or something more flexible? Do I want to stay close to home, or travel the world? I cant seem to figure it out.
My life is full of questions, but what I know for sure... Is what is found in Psalm 24:7- "One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple." These days, pleasing God and living my life so that I can spend my days dwelling in the beauty of The Lord is what I desire most! It's interesting how things have changed! Less me, more Him! I can live with that!
Monday, March 18, 2013
My "Center"
"Here I am again,
asking questions,
waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception
what I thought I knew,
I don't seem to!"
The melodious voice of Jill Scott as she sings "Hear My Call" is the background music to my night. In an attempt to "find my center", I decided to take a hiatus from writing. Now, one year later, people continue to ask "are you writing again"? My answer remains the same, "no, I still havent found my 'center'!" What in the world is your "center"?, one friend asked. How long is it going to take you to find it?, asked another. It's funny, I'm sure I've asked myself these questions along the way, but today is different.
Following a conversation with a dear friend I find myself deep in thought. Today, for whatever reason, someone decided to challenge my journey. "Well, Ken, it's been over a year since you've stopped writing. Do you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, you havent found your center BECAUSE you're not writing?" Hmmmm. There it is! *the song continues*
"...Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in, back to the old me..."
Maybe it's so. Maybe it's not my "center" that I need. Maybe it's not some great epiphany, or understanding of this rollercoaster ride that is my life. Maybe what I need is as simple as a pen, and a piece of paper. Maybe it's as simple as a keyboard and a monitor, or the touchscreen on my smartphone. Maybe all I need... is a second to write. And so, I write!
"oh this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe; I just want to leave. So God, please hear my call I am afraid for me. I am so afraid. Love [or in my case, LIFE] has burned me raw I need your healing. I need your healing."
My center. The place somewhere between one hell of a life, and the fairytale that I envisioned as a little girl.I have to find my center... AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE Or rather, I try to... but nothing makes it onto the page.
*Continues the search for my 'center'*
4JRA
asking questions,
waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception
what I thought I knew,
I don't seem to!"
The melodious voice of Jill Scott as she sings "Hear My Call" is the background music to my night. In an attempt to "find my center", I decided to take a hiatus from writing. Now, one year later, people continue to ask "are you writing again"? My answer remains the same, "no, I still havent found my 'center'!" What in the world is your "center"?, one friend asked. How long is it going to take you to find it?, asked another. It's funny, I'm sure I've asked myself these questions along the way, but today is different.
Following a conversation with a dear friend I find myself deep in thought. Today, for whatever reason, someone decided to challenge my journey. "Well, Ken, it's been over a year since you've stopped writing. Do you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, you havent found your center BECAUSE you're not writing?" Hmmmm. There it is! *the song continues*
"...Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in, back to the old me..."
Maybe it's so. Maybe it's not my "center" that I need. Maybe it's not some great epiphany, or understanding of this rollercoaster ride that is my life. Maybe what I need is as simple as a pen, and a piece of paper. Maybe it's as simple as a keyboard and a monitor, or the touchscreen on my smartphone. Maybe all I need... is a second to write. And so, I write!
"oh this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe; I just want to leave. So God, please hear my call I am afraid for me. I am so afraid. Love [or in my case, LIFE] has burned me raw I need your healing. I need your healing."
My center. The place somewhere between one hell of a life, and the fairytale that I envisioned as a little girl.I have to find my center... AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE Or rather, I try to... but nothing makes it onto the page.
*Continues the search for my 'center'*
4JRA
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Wait...
I heard his soft whisper in my ear for the second night in a row - "If you loved me you would..."
Tantalized by the gentle caress of his hands against the small of my back, I managed to separate mind from body; I whispered back... "but WAIT! If YOU loved ME, you would!!"
Tantalized by the gentle caress of his hands against the small of my back, I managed to separate mind from body; I whispered back... "but WAIT! If YOU loved ME, you would!!"
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