Every season #GreysAnatomy reminds me that love is a gamble. You can end up heart broken & alone, BUT ya know, it really is a risk worth taking!
I used to say I'd rather be alone than get involved & end up with a broken heart, BUT... I've learned more from a broken heart than being alone would've or ever could have shown me.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance. If it doesn't work out, collect yourself, & start again, but if it does work then, well.. It works!!
Love is a risk. Life- is a risk. Isolating urself doesn't protect your heart; it doesn't guarantee your safety. It only guarantees your loneliness!
To deprive yourself of human relationship out of fear is cowardly! Want to protect your heart? Well, just be careful who you trust it to. Be wise. Use discretion. Everyone who compliments you is not your soulmate. Everyone who smiles at you isn't declaring their love for you. Pray for a Spirit of discernment.. AND DISCERN!
Love is a gamble. But eventually, you hit the jackpot!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
I Find It Hard To Say
3.26.13 2350 pst
"I find it hard to say
That everything will be alright.
Don't look at me that way
Like everything will be alright"
-Lauryn Hill
I used to be so sure. Sure of my passion. Sure of my purpose. Heck, if nothing else, I was certainly sure of ME. I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and even who I wanted- Or so I thought. The latter part of 2012 really rocked my boat, and left me wondering if I really know as much as I think I do!
It's funny because I used to be sooo broken. Like for years, I was an utter mess, then one day miraculously it was like someone (God) had picked up all the pieces of me and glued them back together. I was whole again. Complete. I was fixed, and life was good. I mean, it still is, but it was REALLY good. I had my family, my friends, a great career, my writing, and my love. One might say I had it all. The thing is, when you take something that was broken and glue it back together, no matter how much glue was used, if you put the right amount of pressure, at just the right point, the thing will fall apart under the pressure.
Late 2012 found that pressure point. And I find it hard to say... Anything at all these days! How do I feel? Broken! Confused! Angry! Deceived! I feel many ways... And no way at all! Tears flow freely at any given moment. I joke that I can cry on cue, but in actuality, these days I'm ALWAYS crying on the inside... So to let a few tears flow outwardly is easy! I'm angry! But more than anything else, I'm hurt! And person, after person, after person, keeps adding to the hurt!
"I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, don't look at me that way, like everything will be alright. Cuz my own eyes can see through all your false pretenses..."
While I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, I know it will be. Even when it seems I've lost everything else, AT LEAST MY FAITH REMAINS!
"I find it hard to say
That everything will be alright.
Don't look at me that way
Like everything will be alright"
-Lauryn Hill
I used to be so sure. Sure of my passion. Sure of my purpose. Heck, if nothing else, I was certainly sure of ME. I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and even who I wanted- Or so I thought. The latter part of 2012 really rocked my boat, and left me wondering if I really know as much as I think I do!
It's funny because I used to be sooo broken. Like for years, I was an utter mess, then one day miraculously it was like someone (God) had picked up all the pieces of me and glued them back together. I was whole again. Complete. I was fixed, and life was good. I mean, it still is, but it was REALLY good. I had my family, my friends, a great career, my writing, and my love. One might say I had it all. The thing is, when you take something that was broken and glue it back together, no matter how much glue was used, if you put the right amount of pressure, at just the right point, the thing will fall apart under the pressure.
Late 2012 found that pressure point. And I find it hard to say... Anything at all these days! How do I feel? Broken! Confused! Angry! Deceived! I feel many ways... And no way at all! Tears flow freely at any given moment. I joke that I can cry on cue, but in actuality, these days I'm ALWAYS crying on the inside... So to let a few tears flow outwardly is easy! I'm angry! But more than anything else, I'm hurt! And person, after person, after person, keeps adding to the hurt!
"I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, don't look at me that way, like everything will be alright. Cuz my own eyes can see through all your false pretenses..."
While I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, I know it will be. Even when it seems I've lost everything else, AT LEAST MY FAITH REMAINS!
We Never Stood A Chance
He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
Running in circles
Walking in circles
Tired of moving, but still
Talking in circles
He claims that they are over
Those days are done
Who really believes that?
He's the only one!
He speak her name whilst he sleeps
She is forever on his mind.
First word off his lips at sunrise
Is her name, not mine.
He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
Running in circles
Walking in circles
Tired of moving, but still
Talking in circles
He claims that they are over
Those days are done
Who really believes that?
He's the only one!
He speak her name whilst he sleeps
She is forever on his mind.
First word off his lips at sunrise
Is her name, not mine.
He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.
We never stood a chance.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
What a girl wants..
"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." -Psalm 27:4
As a child, I had my life all planned out; it's funny how much those plans have changed over the years. I remember being a teenager and saying to myself "by the time im 25 I'm going to be married, own a home with a white picket fence (kidding, but not really), have a dog, and be working on baby #1".
It's laughable how, as children, we envision the life we want and it never crosses our minds that it won't turn out that way!! It has definitely not turned out that way, BUT it's okay, my desires have changed. What I wanted before (or what I THOUGHT I wanted) doesn't really appeal to me anymore. Whether my desires have changed because my life is so far from those desires, OR because I really want something else, I can't seem to figure out! I ask myself, "Do I want the husband, the kids, the family? Do I want the 9 to 5 career, or something more flexible? Do I want to stay close to home, or travel the world? I cant seem to figure it out.
My life is full of questions, but what I know for sure... Is what is found in Psalm 24:7- "One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple." These days, pleasing God and living my life so that I can spend my days dwelling in the beauty of The Lord is what I desire most! It's interesting how things have changed! Less me, more Him! I can live with that!
As a child, I had my life all planned out; it's funny how much those plans have changed over the years. I remember being a teenager and saying to myself "by the time im 25 I'm going to be married, own a home with a white picket fence (kidding, but not really), have a dog, and be working on baby #1".
It's laughable how, as children, we envision the life we want and it never crosses our minds that it won't turn out that way!! It has definitely not turned out that way, BUT it's okay, my desires have changed. What I wanted before (or what I THOUGHT I wanted) doesn't really appeal to me anymore. Whether my desires have changed because my life is so far from those desires, OR because I really want something else, I can't seem to figure out! I ask myself, "Do I want the husband, the kids, the family? Do I want the 9 to 5 career, or something more flexible? Do I want to stay close to home, or travel the world? I cant seem to figure it out.
My life is full of questions, but what I know for sure... Is what is found in Psalm 24:7- "One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple." These days, pleasing God and living my life so that I can spend my days dwelling in the beauty of The Lord is what I desire most! It's interesting how things have changed! Less me, more Him! I can live with that!
Monday, March 18, 2013
My "Center"
"Here I am again,
asking questions,
waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception
what I thought I knew,
I don't seem to!"
The melodious voice of Jill Scott as she sings "Hear My Call" is the background music to my night. In an attempt to "find my center", I decided to take a hiatus from writing. Now, one year later, people continue to ask "are you writing again"? My answer remains the same, "no, I still havent found my 'center'!" What in the world is your "center"?, one friend asked. How long is it going to take you to find it?, asked another. It's funny, I'm sure I've asked myself these questions along the way, but today is different.
Following a conversation with a dear friend I find myself deep in thought. Today, for whatever reason, someone decided to challenge my journey. "Well, Ken, it's been over a year since you've stopped writing. Do you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, you havent found your center BECAUSE you're not writing?" Hmmmm. There it is! *the song continues*
"...Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in, back to the old me..."
Maybe it's so. Maybe it's not my "center" that I need. Maybe it's not some great epiphany, or understanding of this rollercoaster ride that is my life. Maybe what I need is as simple as a pen, and a piece of paper. Maybe it's as simple as a keyboard and a monitor, or the touchscreen on my smartphone. Maybe all I need... is a second to write. And so, I write!
"oh this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe; I just want to leave. So God, please hear my call I am afraid for me. I am so afraid. Love [or in my case, LIFE] has burned me raw I need your healing. I need your healing."
My center. The place somewhere between one hell of a life, and the fairytale that I envisioned as a little girl.I have to find my center... AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE Or rather, I try to... but nothing makes it onto the page.
*Continues the search for my 'center'*
4JRA
asking questions,
waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception
what I thought I knew,
I don't seem to!"
The melodious voice of Jill Scott as she sings "Hear My Call" is the background music to my night. In an attempt to "find my center", I decided to take a hiatus from writing. Now, one year later, people continue to ask "are you writing again"? My answer remains the same, "no, I still havent found my 'center'!" What in the world is your "center"?, one friend asked. How long is it going to take you to find it?, asked another. It's funny, I'm sure I've asked myself these questions along the way, but today is different.
Following a conversation with a dear friend I find myself deep in thought. Today, for whatever reason, someone decided to challenge my journey. "Well, Ken, it's been over a year since you've stopped writing. Do you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, you havent found your center BECAUSE you're not writing?" Hmmmm. There it is! *the song continues*
"...Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in, back to the old me..."
Maybe it's so. Maybe it's not my "center" that I need. Maybe it's not some great epiphany, or understanding of this rollercoaster ride that is my life. Maybe what I need is as simple as a pen, and a piece of paper. Maybe it's as simple as a keyboard and a monitor, or the touchscreen on my smartphone. Maybe all I need... is a second to write. And so, I write!
"oh this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe; I just want to leave. So God, please hear my call I am afraid for me. I am so afraid. Love [or in my case, LIFE] has burned me raw I need your healing. I need your healing."
My center. The place somewhere between one hell of a life, and the fairytale that I envisioned as a little girl.I have to find my center... AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE Or rather, I try to... but nothing makes it onto the page.
*Continues the search for my 'center'*
4JRA
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