I Find It Hard To Say

3.26.13 2350 pst

"I find it hard to say
That everything will be alright.
Don't look at me that way
Like everything will be alright"
-Lauryn Hill

I used to be so sure. Sure of my passion. Sure of my purpose. Heck, if nothing else, I was certainly sure of ME. I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and even who I wanted- Or so I thought. The latter part of 2012 really rocked my boat, and left me wondering if I really know as much as I think I do!

It's funny because I used to be sooo broken. Like for years, I was an utter mess, then one day miraculously it was like someone (God) had picked up all the pieces of me and glued them back together. I was whole again. Complete. I was fixed, and life was good. I mean, it still is, but it was REALLY good. I had my family, my friends, a great career, my writing, and my love. One might say I had it all. The thing is, when you take something that was broken and glue it back together, no matter how much glue was used, if you put the right amount of pressure, at just the right point, the thing will fall apart under the pressure.

Late 2012 found that pressure point. And I find it hard to say... Anything at all these days! How do I feel? Broken! Confused! Angry! Deceived! I feel many ways... And no way at all! Tears flow freely at any given moment. I joke that I can cry on cue, but in actuality, these days I'm ALWAYS crying on the inside... So to let a few tears flow outwardly is easy! I'm angry! But more than anything else, I'm hurt! And person, after person, after person, keeps adding to the hurt!

"I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, don't look at me that way, like everything will be alright. Cuz my own eyes can see through all your false pretenses..."

While I find it hard to say that everything will be alright, I know it will be. Even when it seems I've lost everything else, AT LEAST MY FAITH REMAINS!

We Never Stood A Chance

He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.

We never stood a chance.

Running in circles
Walking in circles
Tired of moving, but still
Talking in circles

He claims that they are over
Those days are done
Who really believes that?
He's the only one!

He speak her name whilst he sleeps
She is forever on his mind.
First word off his lips at sunrise
Is her name, not mine.

He's so wrapped up in She
doesn't even see Him and I
don't even exist.

We never stood a chance.