Spring in New York

Your love reminds me of Spring in New York
One day it's hot,
One day lukewarm,
and then suddenly...
Ice cold
Your inconsistency I've come to expect
Learned to accept
Though I often regret
That I didn't prepare for it
That I knew it was coming around again
And still
I was there for it
Wanted to love you so bad
That I simply ignored it.
That I
Ignored me
Closed my eyes so that I couldn't see what i didn't want to see
Deaf ears because if I don't hear you walk away
Then I won't have to ask you to stay
I won't have to acknowledge
That
Your season in my life ended two Springs ago
And your April showers did not bring flowers in May
There's still nothing but clouds in my sky
Rain in the form of teardrops still fall from my eyes...
The bags beneath them carry the weight of the damage you've done
Of the pain that you leave behind
And I prayed to God asking for healing
But He told me healing only comes with time
So, for now
bags still weight heavy on my back
And my entire wardrobe
Is a mountain of black
Because I am mourning.
Mourning the me I used to be
Before your shortcomings
were blamed on me
Before your insecurities wore off on me
Before I fell in love with you
And somehow fell out of love with me.
How in the world did I get here?
Coming to California and losing myself
Was my greatest fear
And you told me
I had nothing to be afraid of.
No, there were no boogeyman under my bed...
The only monster was you.
And now,
The other monster is me!!
Because I won't let anyone get close to me
Close enough to hurt me
And it's killing me
Because I am so damn worthy
But so damn afraid
Your love reminds me of Spring in New York
Empty promises of warmth
And really,
I could liken your love to the coldest winter ever

Winter

Autumn's been gone a while now.
Spring can't come too soon.
Summer is too far from reach now
So I'm left with Winters' blues.
It's so cold out here,
That light and love have frozen through.
It's so dark out here,
That I can barely see
you?
Do I know you?
Are you still like warm apple pie
Fresh out of the oven?
Sweet on my tongue
& soft on my lips?
Do I know you?
I'm piecing together fragmented memories
Just to salvage a glimpse.
A slight reminder of what was.
Re-memories.
Remember? me?
Smooth like honey
Hot like tea
Healing like great grandmother's remedies.
Winter, you have overstayed your welcome.
There is no room for you here.
Winter, Go on and get out now
Make room so Spring can draw near.
Because I'm tired of being cold.
Because it's a cold that warm sweaters
and peacoats can't warm!
A cold that fireplaces and brick ovens run from.
It's a cold that love fears, and pain hugs
That hugs pain... and fears love.
And cold medicine doesn't fix that!
It can only be cured by the warmth of the Son.
And it's been raining for what seems like weeks now.
And your clouds have been blocking the sun...

Autumn's been gone a while now.
Spring can't come too soon.
Summer's too far from reach now
I'm left with Winters' blues

Grandmother (Mayhall)

I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt,
I'm not sure which!
I begged God for forgiveness
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me.

I was 14.
We'd been living in New York for 7 years-
Maybe more-
Mom, Sister, and me
But I still couldn't call it home.
Because to me
Home was Lake Valley Road on weekends!
It was Sunday school
Followed by Sunday service,
and
Dairy Queen if were well behaved.
It was rice pudding-
A secret recipe that remains secret to this day.
Home was the smell of grandfather's chewing tobacco
Though he hadn't been alive to chew it in years.
It was Sunday dinners at Big Mama's
Meetings with papa &
Playing with cousins.
Home was FAMILY!
Home was Mayhall!
Her two long plaits
Her smooth brown skin
The way she hugged me, and held me,
And I felt safe.
Grandmother forgive me
For not coming to say goodbye.
Forgive me.
For not asking why separation of parents
Meant separation of children too.
From everything they once knew.
Forgive me for not asking
Why I could travel to Virginia for basketball tournaments
But never to Atlanta to visit home.
Or why concrete playgrounds became replacements for
Tree lined parks
Or
Even
Why my father couldn't see me anymore.
Forgive me for not being BOLDER.
Not even once I was older.
Old enough to know better,
To reach out.
To write letters,
Or pick up a phone and call.
Forgive me for trying to "stay in a child's place".
Forgive me for not trying at all.

I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt, I'm not sure which.
I begged God for forgiveness,
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me!

Water

They say you never miss the water
til your well runs dry
And the tears you cry
Are not enough to end the drought.
The flood of forty nights of rain
Are not enough to ease the pain.
Scorched earth that lingers
Long after memories fade
If
They ever do
Water, where are you?


They say you never miss the water
Til your well runs dry.
And well,
Yours is parched.
Like cracked clay in the sierra desert.
Void of water that quenches.
Dehydrated Dirt,
The Earth,
And You.
You,
Counting molecules of hydrogen.
Two.
Oxygen.
One.
Searching for relief from the
Scorching of the sun!
Water, where are you?


They say you never miss the water
Until your well runs dry.
And you've been drawing back
Dry buckets for years.
Depleted for years
Defeated for years
But too prideful to
Admit what you fear...
If you don't find water
Extinction is near


Because no one can survive without water