Grandmother (Mayhall)

I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt,
I'm not sure which!
I begged God for forgiveness
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me.

I was 14.
We'd been living in New York for 7 years-
Maybe more-
Mom, Sister, and me
But I still couldn't call it home.
Because to me
Home was Lake Valley Road on weekends!
It was Sunday school
Followed by Sunday service,
and
Dairy Queen if were well behaved.
It was rice pudding-
A secret recipe that remains secret to this day.
Home was the smell of grandfather's chewing tobacco
Though he hadn't been alive to chew it in years.
It was Sunday dinners at Big Mama's
Meetings with papa &
Playing with cousins.
Home was FAMILY!
Home was Mayhall!
Her two long plaits
Her smooth brown skin
The way she hugged me, and held me,
And I felt safe.
Grandmother forgive me
For not coming to say goodbye.
Forgive me.
For not asking why separation of parents
Meant separation of children too.
From everything they once knew.
Forgive me for not asking
Why I could travel to Virginia for basketball tournaments
But never to Atlanta to visit home.
Or why concrete playgrounds became replacements for
Tree lined parks
Or
Even
Why my father couldn't see me anymore.
Forgive me for not being BOLDER.
Not even once I was older.
Old enough to know better,
To reach out.
To write letters,
Or pick up a phone and call.
Forgive me for trying to "stay in a child's place".
Forgive me for not trying at all.

I cried for months after my grandmother died.
Whether from sadness or guilt, I'm not sure which.
I begged God for forgiveness,
And wondered if my absence at her funeral
Hurt her as much as it hurt me!