"Here I am again,
asking questions,
waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception
what I thought I knew,
I don't seem to!"
The melodious voice of Jill Scott as she sings "Hear My Call" is the background music to my night. In an attempt to "find my center", I decided to take a hiatus from writing. Now, one year later, people continue to ask "are you writing again"? My answer remains the same, "no, I still havent found my 'center'!" What in the world is your "center"?, one friend asked. How long is it going to take you to find it?, asked another. It's funny, I'm sure I've asked myself these questions along the way, but today is different.
Following a conversation with a dear friend I find myself deep in thought. Today, for whatever reason, someone decided to challenge my journey. "Well, Ken, it's been over a year since you've stopped writing. Do you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, you havent found your center BECAUSE you're not writing?" Hmmmm. There it is! *the song continues*
"...Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in, back to the old me..."
Maybe it's so. Maybe it's not my "center" that I need. Maybe it's not some great epiphany, or understanding of this rollercoaster ride that is my life. Maybe what I need is as simple as a pen, and a piece of paper. Maybe it's as simple as a keyboard and a monitor, or the touchscreen on my smartphone. Maybe all I need... is a second to write. And so, I write!
"oh this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe; I just want to leave. So God, please hear my call I am afraid for me. I am so afraid. Love [or in my case, LIFE] has burned me raw I need your healing. I need your healing."
My center. The place somewhere between one hell of a life, and the fairytale that I envisioned as a little girl.I have to find my center... AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE AND SO I WRITE Or rather, I try to... but nothing makes it onto the page.
*Continues the search for my 'center'*
4JRA
1 comment:
I recall the first time I read this post and reflected upon the underlying message and I understand what you're saying. I've been there myself. To me, it speaks of the balance or a certain level that's needed in order to transform one's thoughts & feelings into words or the words that need to be said, especially when one knows the thoughts & feelings and words and ability to transform are definitely there inside of them. If I write something and everything doesn't coincide, then it's like I hadn't written anything at all. Cause I wouldn't have written to the extent of my heart. Others may read it, and actually feel me, but if I don't feel me...well. No buenos.
Often times, it'll be the constant back and forth taking place within my spirit (that only I feel) which prevents as much. All of which is the complete opposite when I'm in my zone (yes, now I understand what you meant when you've said this to me in the past) and vibing in my middle or center and thus creating balance. Few will understand, but those in tune with their soul like yourself will always understand. For we don't really write with our hands, we write with own soul. I can write about what I see in your eyes, yet only those who know the language of the soul will comprehend.
Lastly, those are such words of wisdom on your behalf where you spoke of release and the importance of release. And then you followed that wisdom up with the Dr. MLK quote that pretty much showed how easy it is to allow someone to disrupt one's spirit, unless of course there's release and maintain balance. Very inspiring.
Thank you.
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